Today's ingredient is a little different than some I've added previously.
Today I want to talk about what makes some people become a caregiver and others not.
Typically in every family you have the caregiver and the "money guy/gal".
The person who does the money is typically not very hands on. They are very good at balancing mom's checkbook or paying dad's bills but when it comes to getting down in the trenches and providing physical care they are very little to no help at all.
The caregiver on the other hand may be great at assisting with all of mom or dad's ADL's.
Activities of Daily Living -
Activities of daily living are activities related to personal care. They include bathing or showering, dressing, getting in and out of bed or a chair, walking, using the toilet, and eating.
But have absolutely no idea how to pay for the things they need to make mom's everyday life easier. Does mom or dad even have enough money for these things? If they don't then what are the alternatives?
Although you absolutely need both of these people when it comes to taking care of a loved one who is no longer able to care for themselves, the differences in personality can cause huge strife in the family.
If the caregiver feels that their loved one needs something that the POA-
Power of Attorney:
A "Power of Attorney" is a written document often used when someone wants another adult to handle their financial or property matters.
feels is a waste of money they may refuse to get it, although the caregiver can see how desperately it is needed.
I have seen this happen in a facility I once worked at.
The caregiver was constantly there taking care of mom even though she was housed with us. He would even come in and spend time with all of the residents of the Memory Care Unit. Bringing pizza, cookies and soda pop to give the residents a nice little pick me up. He was a great fella'.
The POA was a different family member. One we had never met.
The caregiver ordered a new piece of equipment that mom desperately needed, both for safety and skin break down.
The equipment came and mom was loving it.
One day the DME company
Durable Medical Equipment-
Examples of DME include wheelchairs, walkers, hospital beds, power scooters, and portable oxygen equipment.
came and took it back. I chased them out into the parking lot and asked them what they were doing.
"Family refused to pay for it!".
Ughhhhh, you've got to be kidding.
I went back inside knowing how much this resident needed that equipment.
The caregiver was angry and hurt but unfortunately there was nothing he could do.
The POA, on the other hand, was making a decision based solely on the numbers he was seeing in front of him. Mom's money looks like this. This piece of equipment is too expensive. We can get her this one for much cheaper and it will do just fine.
He was not an evil guy, he just didn't have all the information needed to make the best decision for his mom.
So what is it that makes a person fall into this category or that one. I believe it is a multitude of things, people and events that shape us into the people we are.
When a baby is born it is a blank slate and then the adults in their life or just the world in general write on that slate making them into the people you see before you.
I've been talking to friends and family a lot about trauma.
Two people can have exactly the same traumatic experience and it will mold them in completely different ways.
In my case my trauma made me rise up and get stronger.
I realized in that moment that the people who were supposed to be there to protect me were not going to be. I realized that NO ONE was going to be there so I better do it my damn self.
As Kelly Clarkson would say - "I know I've got this 'cuz I've had it all along".
Others I have known wanted to disappear and shrink into oblivion. While others I have spoken to drank their way through their trauma.
No matter how we deal with the traumas in our life, there is no right or wrong way to do it. If you got through it you chose the right way for you; you are a survivor.
There is also no way to deal with these things that will leave you unchanged. You will never come out the other side just the way you went in.
I read a quote once that said-
"You like taking care of others because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you"
That one hit me hard. I definitely feel like this is the case with me.
When I was a child, I was alone. I was the outcast the unwanted step child; the black sheep.
What started out as my need to protect myself spread into a need to protect any and all of these kids that were coming into my life.
I got pregnant at 16 and had my son at 17.
See Blog Post - How it Began
He has been very sick his whole life and boy did I ever need to step up for him; for him and the four that came after him.
Because of my upbringing as the step- child I also knew that I never wanted a child to feel the way I did in that house. So "my kids" include the ones I birthed, the ones my husband brought with to our relationship, my kids' friends who needed me and any other child that came into my world that needed a protector or a fighter.
I have definitely been burned in this endeavor, trying to love broken kids doesn't always go your way. Fierce, strong and protective can be overwhelming to a child who has never known that before. It is not the only way to love but it is the only way I know. I will be soft with you but if anybody hurts you......they better look out. I will also do my best to keep you on the right track in life.
I am still learning that the path I think is right for you may be different than what you think is right for you. I can bend a bit more now; just a bit.
Although I have been devastated by how some of these relationships have ended, I have also created some of the most beautiful, rewarding, amazing, lasting relationships I could have ever imagined.
Watching these babies flourish makes my heart soar.
There is a problem growing up feeling like no one is there to protect you, it makes it very very hard to lean on anyone. It makes it very hard to lean on or lean into a partner. It makes it hard to trust that anyone will be there for you for the long haul. It makes it hard to believe that another person will want the best for you and those you are here to love and protect. It makes it hard to feel wanted.
My best friend recently said,
"I think sometimes you mistake being needed for being loved." I corrected her. I told her there is no mistake, I don't feel loveable so I have to be needed. When your mama doesn't love you, where do you really go from there?
Because I never learned how to trust a spouse, unfortunately I have modeled that for my children. I know my life revolves around them but a man can come and go and I'll be alright.
This is one of those things that I didn't do quite right. I went the complete opposite way of my upbringing and caused grief just the same. I know I need these kids. I don't know how to need a partner. This has not only been unfair to my partners but of course to my children and to myself.
It's one of those things I am trying to learn how to bend on.
The need to be needed probably also plays very much into why I do what I do for a living.
Being a CNA was not something I had ever planned for in my life but when the world knew better than I and it fell right into my lap, I just knew it was the missing piece.
I never had many of the older generation in my life.
My grandpa died when I was six.
See Blog Post Gramp
My paternal grandmother was alive only until I was in my early 20s and she was the one who was around the longest.
I feel like I Iost out on those relationships so making up for them now definitely fills an empty space in my heart.
I also feel like these folks are the forgotten ones; the lost souls. The ones who need the most protection, gentleness and love.
Don't get me wrong, some residents have extremely strong families who are here with them day after day but many of them who land in Memory Care are left and forgotten. For those we must step. We must be their voice. We must advocate for them because they can not do it for themselves.
We must be strong and we must be fierce FOR them. We must be gentle and we must be kind WITH them.
These are not things that can be taught.
You can teach someone to do cares but you can not teach empathy, sympathy and love.
Either you have it or you don't.
If you don't, please choose a different job.
Do not work in a nursing home if you aren’t going to be nice to the residents. It’s not a workplace; it’s their home.
Some people will grow up to be the caregiver. Some will grow up to be the POA. Both are equally important. It is ok if you can't do the hands on every day stuff with your loved one, just be there to support those who are.
It is also ok if you don't understand or care to understand how to pay bills or balance a checking account just try to understand where that person is coming from as well.
We are all here for a reason. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We have all had different things written on our slate. We have all reacted differently to our life's traumas. We are all survivors.
We need to learn to celebrate our differences.
The world would be a pretty dismal place if we were all the same.
Thanks for opening up to us and sharing your touching story. And I couldn't agree more with you: "we should celebrate our differences" and try to put ourselves in other people's shoes before judging them.
Very interesting to learn all this!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻