Today's ingredient is a little different, it's simply called Mothers. Mothers are the ultimate caregivers aren't they.
But what if yours is not?
What if you have spent your whole life making sure you are everything to your kids that she was not to you?
I am 100% sure that if she were telling the story it would all come out very differently but this is my story, my truth.
First, let me tell you about the best part!!!
I had the most amazing day today.
It started about 2am, while I was still at work. I got a text from my Old Man wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.
After shift, there were flowers and a card. He even had breakfast waiting for me.
When I crawled into bed next to him he
mumbled "Happy Mother's Day, Babe", before he threw his arm around me and got back to snoring.
Later on we had dinner plans with the kids.
My Boo Boo couldn't make it to dinner but she made sure to come over beforehand to wish me Happy Mother's Day. She gave me the homemade gifts her and Punky made for me and of course one of her amazing hugs. "Don't let me go yet, mama." she said as she held on tight.
Then it was off to dinner.
Most of us hopped in cars from the house and headed into town.
Our newly engaged couple, Angela and Genna, came home early from the cabin and met us there. Congratulations on the engagement you two!
I was even surprised to see my bonus daughter and her fiancé there. I hadn't thought they were going to be able to make it.
I got flowers, pictures, cards, candy and a beautiful ring from the kids.
We talked and laughed and ate all the nacho chips our bellies could handle.
My granddaughter just about drank the queso, she loved it so much and my grandson hugged on my oldest a lot which made Aaron really happy.
My family is my happy place. Any day spent with them is a day I will cherish.
I couldn't be more blessed and I wouldn't change it for the world.
That being said, we have to sprinkle in just a touch of sadness.
It's not something that takes away from my day with my family, it just kind of sits there on it's own special shelf tucked away from the world.
So many folks have it either this way or that.
Your mother is here, still on this earth, and you celebrate with her or your mother has gone to heaven and you mourn for just one more minute with her; especially on days like today.
But what if your mom lives a few miles down the road and she wants nothing to do with you?
What if your kids have never mattered to her either because they came from you?
What if she has other kids that seem to matter more than the world and it's just you she can't be bothered with?
It's a lot to unpack.
I spent the last month trying to figure out how to approach this day with her.
Should I send her a card? Hmmmm, maybe. Oops too late to send a card now.
Should I call her- nope, not that.
Maybe I could send her a text. What will the text say?
Happy Mother's Day or Hope you have a good day or Happy Mother's Day from the family you forgot with a picture of me and all my babies???
In the end I couldn't come to a decision so I simply did nothing.
I didn't send a card, or call or text. I didn't do anything.
So in her story she will tell you I didn't even think of her or that her absence doesn't really matter. When in actuality I debated over it for weeks.
My mother and I haven't seen eye to eye for as long as I can remember.
From the age of about 11 on we were so far apart that if I tried to wrap my arm around her for a hug she would pull away.
You see I got into a whole world of trouble about that age and she must have decided from then on I was unworthy.
Just when I needed her most she was no longer in the game.
It was sudden and it was complete.
I am the black sheep in her world but over the years it has been worse than that.
I wasn't the black sheep, I was just nonexistent.
Years ago while attending one of Janaya's soccer games, I happened upon a conversation between two of the other team's dad's.
They were talking about this really great lady who lived in "blank" who was retired from the healthcare field and had two boys. Both of her boys were super amazing as well. One did this and one did that.
I said oh, you must be talking about my brothers.
What? I didn't even know Rachel had a daughter.
This was not the first time someone from her world didn't even know I was thing. I had a whole family by then, with a whole mess of kids that were her grandkids.
Those words never go away.
They cut just as deeply now as they did then.
But then an amazing thing happened.
On my 50th birthday my mom called.
She said that she thought about me all the time. She said she was so very sorry that she had not been a good mother to me. She said she wanted to see me if I would be willing.
Let me tell you, I bawled like a baby. I mean it was one of those ugly cries. The ones where you can't even get your words out between sobs.
Of course I wanted to see her.
I could not have gotten a better birthday present.
Very shortly after this call I got together with my mom.
I brought my 4 year old granddaughter to meet her for the first time. We had pizza and donuts.
She called and talked to my 21 year old son she hadn't seen in years and years.
When she needed a ride home from the airport a couple weeks later we had to send her a picture of him so she would know who to look for.
She talked to Aaron about how sick he has been and all that he has been through to get better.
She met Genna's girlfriend(now fiance).
She hugged Jo.
She even came to see Naya graduate from nursing school.
We spoke nearly every other day and she told me that she "thanked God every night that she got her daughter back".
It was everything I had always wanted for my relationship with my mom.
But it wasn't meant to last.
Let me tell you, losing her again was almost harder.
Why did she reach out and show me what we could have had, only to dip out again?
I will never understand.
One thing I will say is this.
I don't care if you have 2 children or 10 children. I don't care if they follow the path you wanted for them or if they walk to the beat of their own drum, you love them ALL unconditionally.
I definitely have that kid who has tested my strength as a mother. Everyone will tell you, including her, oh yep, I'm the black sheep of the family, mama, but what would you do without me.
She is 100% right. What would we ever do without her?
Without her the family may sail a little bit smoother but it is in those choppy waters that you learn your strength.
She has taught me how to be a better mother.
It is much easier to parent the "good child" but to make sure they ALL feel that they are the good child in the eyes of their mother.
That takes patience, willingness to learn, thinking outside the box and unendless love.
This is dedicated to all of my children. Biological and not.
And especially to my wild child.
Keep being you, my Boo Boo. Your mother will always be by your side.
Quote From Beth Dutton Yellowstone
You gotta watch your mother look you in the eye, with no love in her heart, not even a little. And you get to carry that. That’s losing.
Mother's name has been changed
I had no relationship with my mother due to her poor mental health. She died about 5 years ago. I've never cried or mourned for her but I had an adoptive mother which was her friend and that was huge. I still carry the scars of being half an orphan ( even though my mother was alive). I had a warm relationship with my father who is still alive at nearly 95 and in a care home. I resonate so much with this as I too try to be everything to my daughter that my mother wasn't.
I knew the look of that quote. Powerful post and so glad your mother said those things. My mother never did.
Thank you for sharing!
Great perspective! Thanks for sharing!