My Loved One Has Dementia. Do They Remember Me?

Today's ingredient for our Caregiver Salad is one that hurts my heart.

 So many times I hear:

"I don't need to visit them, they don't remember me anyway". Or "Yep, I went to see mom today and she didn't even know I was there."

This is something that truly hurts my heart.

It needs to be discussed, over and over again. It needs to be said to every single family member who has ever felt the desolation of this dreadful disease stealing their loved one from them.

I believe your loved one remembers you long after you think they have forgotten. 

Long after they have the ability to tell you how much they love you.

Long after their voice is gone.

Right up until the very end, their heart remembers.

They know that we(staff in the facility)are here to care for them and keep them safe but their heart feels differently when they see you.

Many years ago I was talking with a resident's family member.

Tina, do you really think she even remembers who I am?

Ya know what, *Sherry, your sister may not be able to remember exactly who you are but she knows she feels differently for you than she does for me.

Sherry drops her head and you can see she isn't believing a word I say.

When she sits down at the table and starts to feed her sister, she is feeling very lost and discouraged.

All of a sudden her sister grabs her hand and kisses her all the way up her arm.

Sherry turns to me with tears streaming down her face.

I give her a wink, "told ya so".

In another instance we had a resident on hospice. She was at the end of her life but darned if this beautiful lady did not just keep graduating from hospice.

We would be so sure that this was gonna be her last week or even her last day and nope she would pop back up and be ok for another few weeks.

One day we learned that a nephew of hers had been diagnosed with his own debilitating disease and had been unable to travel to say his last goodbyes.

As soon as her nephew was healthy enough to travel he came straight away to see his favorite aunt.

Our beautiful soul passed that very night.

Another example was a resident who spent a lot of time in her room. But not when HE walked through the door. As soon as he walked in she would smile the most serene smile. They would sit down together on the little blue couch in the middle of the living room for a movie and a snack.

I have also seen residents show their love in reverse.

We had a resident who was at his end of life. Not eating or drinking, unable to move. His daughter had been sitting with him day after day, night after night; not even leaving his room to eat or sleep. We brought her trays for every meal and she slept in a sleeping bag on his floor.

The one moment that she stepped out of the room to take a call from her son, her dad passed away.

She was absolutely devastated thinking she had failed him.

No dear, dad waited. He didn't want that to be your last memory of him.

He was protecting you as best he could.

Being your daddy 'til the very end.

On the other hand, maybe there will be no sign of love. Maybe it's the opposite as you see it.

Maybe they get really really angry when you show up; it's extremely hard on them, as well as on you.

"How in the world can you tell me he recognizes me when he literally screams at me from the minute I walk through the door until the minute I leave? The staff has even asked me to stay away cuz I was causing him so much stress. If he remembers me as you say, he must really hate me."

I hear you. I have definitely seen this too.

I feel like there are so many reasons your loved one may be reacting this way.

None of these are hate;

frustration, anxiety, fear, loneliness, sadness, panic.....

but not hate.

I'm so very sorry it feels that way. I'm sorry your heart is aching.

Sometimes a dementia patient is stuck way back in their past.

They may think they are 40 years old, not 86.

If they look in the mirror they don't even recognize the old person staring back at them.

Therefore their kiddos are 46 years younger as well.

If mom hears your voice, she is looking for 14 year old you.

All of sudden you walk through the door at 60 and she has no clue who this guy is.

Mom gets panicked and possibly aggressive.

Your thoughts turn to;

"See, I told you she wouldn't even know who I was. Let's go home!"

But she did, she really did.

Maybe he's been missing you like crazy and he doesn't want to see you leave again. He knows his heart swells when you are here but then it hurts when you leave. Instead of waiting for the hurt, he tries to drive you off first.

Maybe she is just frustrated with herself because she can not get her feelings out. She may want so badly to tell you how she is feeling but the words won't come anymore. So she gets mad instead. What you see as anger towards you is really anger at herself.

Maybe, you are their soft place to fall, so all that stuff they are holding in when they are with us just comes tumbling out the second they see you.

No matter the why, it's got to be so hard when a loved one expresses themselves this way.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

I do hope that you are able to see through the anger and the behaviors back to the love you knew from them before this vicious disease took hold.

I hope one day you can look back and remember that one moment that her love shown through her dementia.

Or

You can understand how frustrating being locked inside must have been for him and see that he was acting out his frustration with you because he knew he was safe with you.

All this being said, your loved one is safe and secure in their facility. They do find moments of joy. The do find peace. They do feel cared for and protected but.....

Their heart feels differently when they look at you than when they look at me.

All names and scenarios have been changed to protect privacy

All writings are the opinions of this writer. This writer is not a dementia expert.